My Mind Is Blank
by OnkelJo
Summary: S6 opening fic. AU after Watershed. Rick's proposal sets a chain of events in motion that brings him to his limits, mainly psychologically but also physically. Rated T. My first fan fiction :)
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: Unfortunately, I don't own neither the show Castle nor the characters. **

**Big shoutout to my dear beta readers, blueorchid96, Dana Keylits and UneasyQuasar. Thank you so much for your critiques, advices, for ruining the story with logic and of course for your kindness and patience with me :) See you aboard next chapter ;)  
**

**This will not be updated on a regular basis, but I try to do as much as possible. :) Have fun with the story!**

**Chapter 1**

"Katherine Houghton Beckett, will you marry me? "

Castle remained on one knee and looked at his girlfriend, who opened her mouth as if she were about to say something, but Kate Beckett remained silent. Her eyes, however, were opened wide in surprise. He had made the leap of faith, now it was up to her to either catch him or let him fall.

"Castle, why now? Please tell me this isn't just an elaborate plan to keep me here in New York."

Well, not exactly the answer he was hoping for, but at least it wasn't a no.

Yet.

"Kate… I worked five years to tear down your walls. I waited patiently until you realized that you had the same feelings for me that I have for you. I am not a morning person, but for you, I get up fifteen minutes earlier each and every morning to bring you a cup of coffee, just to see you smile." He paused, taking a deep breath. "I love you, Kate Beckett. I consider you family, as do Martha and Alexis. I've never let anyone this close before and neither have you. I've never wooed a woman for so long, but you are so worth it."

Beckett had a little smile on her face and a single tear ran down her cheek.

Castle wiped it away with his thumb and lingered a little longer on her skin than normal. He then took her hands in his, still kneeling, before he continued.

"And now you crawl back into the rabbit hole you were in when you obsessed about your mother's case; keeping secrets from me and shutting everyone out because you're afraid." He paused again and began to rub his thumb soothingly over the back of her palm. "You're afraid that you might have to choose between love and your job."

He saw her frown and her whole body stiffened at his declaration, but now there was no going back. He had to follow it through.

"And, I hate myself for not getting it sooner, so you had to suffer through this. Let me tell you this." He closed his eyes for a moment before he spoke again, with all the confidence he could muster. This wasn't supposed to be so difficult. "The past five years, especially the last year, were the best years of my life because you were in it. You are the love of my life, Kate. Nothing in the world could stop me from being with you. No distance could possibly be far enough to keep me from loving you. I proposed to you today because you don't have to choose. I'd give up everything I have in a heartbeat, the loft, the money, hell, even writing, because you are everything I need. If you take the job, that's absolutely fine with me. I'll go with you. If you stay in New York, that's fine with me, too. Because no matter where you are, I will be there for you." His voice broke. "Always."

That last word, _Always_, that forever meant so much for them, seemed to have broken the dam in Kate because the tears she had obviously tried to hold back, began to fall. She pulled Castle up and in for a long, searing, salty kiss before she hugged him tightly. He could feel his neck getting wet from her tears. And, it was as the tears began to subside that he'd heard the words he seldom allowed himself even to dream of.

"Yes, Castle. I will marry you."

Castle gently pushed her back to look into her eyes and his face broke into a huge smile.

"Really?"

She chuckled and answered with a watery voice.

"Yes, Castle. Really."

They kissed once again, but it was hard for them to keep their mouths locked onto each other with the big smiles across their faces. When they finally broke apart, her phone rang.

Murder time, fun time. She sighed, and closed her eyes.

"Oh god, why? Why me, universe?"

Castle chuckled. "Because it's totally normal for us to take our time and the universe thinks we're moving too fast. I mean, five years and already engaged? Come on!"

Castle knew that this would relieve some of the dark clouds he sensed hovering over Beckett. Murderers seemed to have a strange sense of timing. But no murder in the world could take away this moment from him. He gently took Kate's hand and slid the beautiful ring onto her finger. It looked perfect on her. He took a second to stand there, near the swings and to look in awe at his new fiancèe.

She laughed. "Stop staring, Castle. It's creepy."

He had a smug smile on his face as he crossed the short distance between them, put his arms around her waist and gave her a chaste kiss on the lips. "Not if it's your fiancée you're staring at. But you can cuff me anytime."

She shoved him away with a smile, but didn't let go of his hands. "In your dreams."

"In my dreams, you do even more than that…" he said, suggestively wiggling his eyebrows.

She leaned towards him and whispered in his ear, "You have no idea!" He gulped and suddenly had to clear his throat.

She laughed, but soon became serious. "We still haven't decided if I take the job in D.C."

Castle opened his eyes wide in surprise. "We?"

Beckett nodded and bit her lower lip. "We're in this together now, Rick. My decisions are no longer just mine. You have a say in this. I want to do this with you."

Castle gazed down at the tough detective in his arms, lifted her off her feet to carry her bridal style and spun her around, which in turn made her giggle.

"What was that for?"

He gazed into her warm eyes as he stopped spinning and said with a low voice, beaming "I now stand on the other side of the hole in your wall, and I realized that you are even more amazing on the inside."

She looked at him with affection and locked her hazel eyes on his baby-blues for a few seconds. Then she winked. "You can put me down now, Castle. We can't leave the boys alone with a dead body, can we?"

He followed her suggestion, and she returned Esposito's call.

"Hey Espo, what is it?" She listened for a short while, nodded occasionally and eventually hung up.

"Come on, Castle, we got a body!" she said, already walking towards her car which was parked across the street from the playground. Castle stayed for a moment observing that she was smiling distractedly while her fingers played with the engagement ring on her finger.

Castle saw it coming but couldn't get there in time, just like at Montgomery's funeral. He could only yell, but the car had already hit Kate's body, launching her in the air. She came to rest a few feet away from the car.

**A/N: Yes, I know, I am cruel, because I cut it off here, leaving you uncertain^^ but I'm also a fanboy ;) However, this fanfic will go in a different direction than what you'd probably expect, but I won't give anything away until chapter 2 ;) Be prepared :D It'll probably be a while though before I will be willing to update, because I'm still unsure whether or not I can go there where I'm currently at with what I've written for chapter 2 so far. _Anyhow, _I hope you liked it; It's my first fan fiction, so please bear with me :D reviews are always appreciated; I'd love to read your thoughts on this! ~Jonny**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: Still not mine. **

**Pre-chapter-A/N: This chapter was very hard for me to write, for many reasons. I hope you can enjoy it anyway :) Huge thanks to all my beta readers, especially Trinxy, who is responsible for me not screwing the characters up as badly in this chapter as I obviously had :D**

**Chapter 2**

Castle rode with Kate in the ambulance. He sat by her side and held her hand, but barely looked at her. Instead he stared at the medical supplies lined up at the side of the car. He could barely reach her, as the paramedics were hectically attaching the oxygen mask and an IV, connecting her to a variety of small monitors.

He didn't want to see her like this again. If it weren't for the steady beep of the machine in the background, he would've thought she was dead. Her whole body was speckled with bruises and he was sure she had massive internal bleeding.

He didn't even dare to close his eyes, because he just knew that he would relive every second again. He had gone through this before. It was hell.

Half her face was covered by the big mask that supplied her with oxygen. Her head, that he had caressed only minutes before, was now smeared with blood. A strand of her hair had fallen into her face and was glued to her forehead with blood. He was sick with worry. His hand was still clamped around hers so noone could see him trembling. He needed the physical contact to assure himself that she was still alive. He had lost her one too many times to just sit by calmly.

He had called an ambulance, her father, Lanie, the boys, Captain Gates, his mother and Alexis. He left a message when someone didn't pick up. Castle, as calm and collected as he wanted to be on the phone, was a nervous wreck. His mind hadn't processed yet what had happened; whatever he had done, he hadn't thought. He just functioned.

He heard the EMTs who were in the back of the ambulance with him, but he didn't really listen. He stayed out of the way when they arrived at the hospital and they pushed the gurney to the ER, but he didn't let her out of his sight. He only stopped when the staff refused him further access. The sudden stop made him more conscious of his surroundings. He recognized the hallway he was standing in; he was in front of the operating rooms.

When he had nothing left to do to focus on, the situation hit him took a seat near the entrance to the OR and buried his face in his hands. His phone in his pocket began to vibrate, which pulled him out his lethargy.

It was Lanie, letting him know that she and the boys would come as soon as they were finished processing the crime scene Kate and Castle had been on their way to. He bet they couldn't form a clear thought anyway, so they requested another detective who could stay at their crime scene and finish processing it. Protocol definitely sucked when you had someone close to you in surgery.

He could hear her sobbing over the phone. The last time he saw the sassy medical examiner shed tears that weren't tears of joy was… right. At Montgomery's funeral. The picture he got from the short conversation they had wasn't pretty. The boys were worried sick about their "big sister". They wanted to find the culprit, but there was no crime. It was a senseless accident.

When he had put his phone away, he could hear someone yelling his name. He looked up and saw Alexis running into his arms, crying.

"Dad! What happened?"

He ran his hand through her hair, soothing his daughter in his arms, kissing her forehead. He couldn't talk just yet but only held her. Even after they parted, he had difficulties speaking.

"Pumpkin! Thank god you're here! As you know, I… I proposed to Kate today, and she said yes. But when…" his voice trembled. "when we were about to get the car she was… hit by a car and she was lying on the street… she wasn't moving. Unconscious, just like at Montgomery's funeral…" He finally broke into tears and his daughter joined him.

He was tempted to send her home, but he knew she wouldn't go now, not until she was sure that Kate would live, at least. She could be as stubborn as her dad when it came to Kate. They both sat down.

Castle wanted to be alone so he wouldn't need to bottle up his feelings, but truth be told, he was glad that he had his daughter in his arms. At least he could reassure himself that one woman he loved was okay.

They waited together for hours. Alexis eventually drifted off to sleep, and he didn't wake her when Esposito, Lanie and Ryan finally arrived. He told them what he knew, which wasn't much.

Lanie's puffy eyes and the slightly smudged mascara told him that she had only recently stopped crying. Ryan was paler than normal, and even Esposito seemed to have lost some color.

Esposito hugged Castle, in an attempt to calm his friend down. As he pulled back to let Ryan take over, his cell phone rang. It was Gates. He stepped aside to take it, as Castle remarked from the corners of his eyes, still in a hug with Ryan.

After Javi hung up the Captain's call he was scowling. He shifted from one foot to another as he spoke, his face sullen. When Castle saw his face, he pushed Ryan back gently and threw a questioning look at Esposito.

"Yo, Castle. Gates wants us back at the precinct. Sucks, man." He laid his hand on the author's shoulder. "You gonna be okay, bro?"

Castle nodded. Javi gave the others a short briefing of the call. Castle was thankful for their support, and he knew that they wanted to stay longer, but the Captain's orders were very clear: They still had a case.

Besides, Beckett was 'in good hands', as she said; she didn't specify if she meant the doctors or Castle. Any other time, Castle would've been over the moon about Gates' statement. Now, however, he didn't care about anything; anything but Kate - his Kate.

**A/N: I'm going on vacation tomorrow for a week to a place without internet, so I decided that I post the promised cliff hanger when I can actually take the heat for it :D Well, you don't know how Kate is yet, so technically I'm not leaving you without cliff hanger^^ Next chapter will be a bit more revealing, but we'll see. Reviews are appreciated :)**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I don't own neither the show Castle nor its characters.**

Chapter 3

It must've been way after midnight when a doctor emerged from the doors. He looked drained and tired, but he wore at least a forced smile when he approached Castle and Alexis, who was still asleep. Castle rose, giving Alexis a tiny wake-up nudge. She was startled at first, but when she laid eyes on the man in scrubs, she jumped up and rubbed her eyes, wiping away the rest of her drowsiness.

"Hello, Mr. Castle. I'm Doctor Conrad", the young doctor said.

Castle, by now only kept awake by fear and anguish, barely got out a word, but managed at least to ask "She's okay?"

Doctor Conrad gently put his hand on his shoulder, pushing him down into the seat.

Not the best sign.

"It was too close for my tastes a few times, but we've managed to stabilize Ms Beckett. She's alive, and, with the right physical therapy, she will fully recover physically."

Castle stopped him right there. "What aren't you telling me?"

The doctor took a deep breath before he continued. "Unfortunately, Ms Beckett has had a concussion and a subdural hematoma. The concussion is severe, but she'll stay in the hospital under monitoring for a while, anyway, so we can take steps if the symptoms worsen. Though we were able to suction off the hematoma during surgery, there is still a high likelihood that the bleeding has caused some damage to the brain tissue. We don't know what the damage will be. I won't lie to you, you need to prepare yourself for the possibility of at least some brain damage."

Castle could only stare in horror at the man in front of him. The doctor did what he could to make this easier for him, but Kate was struggling for her life, he didn't want to feel better.

"Nonetheless, no vital areas of the brain were affected. She has a very good chance of survival, Mr. Castle. Her status is stable now. She's being transferred to a private room, as per your request. She will be constantly monitored for the next days, but she should wake up in about the next two days, probably in twenty hours at the earliest. She won't be responsive until then, so I suggest you try to get as much rest as possible."

Castle was relieved, yet still not fully convinced. He could feel the cold sweat pearling down his brows and into his eyes. Instead of just wiping the sweat away, he closed his eyes, bringing up pictures of Kate; it was like a slide show he wasn't ready to give up yet. He didn't know how much time had passed. Luckily, Alexis stepped in, which brought him back from his thoughts.

"Is there a way he can stay here with her? An additional bed in her room, maybe?"

The doctor shrugged. "I guess that would be possible. I'll have the nursing staff make sure a bed is ready for you. I'll let you know if anything comes up."

With these words, he retreated back into the restricted access area. Castle fell back into his seat. He had lived on a few square feet the past few hours. He had barely taken the time to go to the restroom, and he hadn't eaten since the morning of the day before, right before he left the loft to meet Kate at the swings.

It was not long after this that a nurse came out and guided father and daughter to the room where Kate was. They found an empty folding bed, as promised; but they didn't care. There was something, some_one _more important in the room. Kate laid at the opposite side of the room, with a huge head bandage and all kinds of cables and tubes, an IV and an oxygen mask. It was scary for both of them to see her like this. She was still under the influence of the anesthesia, she would not feel the pain; but even if she didn't feel anything right now, seeing his fiancée so hurt, made Castle feel actual, physical pain.

When he looked at her body, that seemed so tiny under all the machines, he couldn't hold it in anymore. His tears forced their way out and his almost 20-year-old daughter let him cry on her shoulder. They both sat down on the edge of the empty bed. Castle was broken. His whole life shattered the instant that car hit Kate. The driver had been horrified himself; he couldn't have done anything because Kate stepped onto the street without looking; nonetheless, Castle wanted to blame _someone_. Maybe he could've seen the car over the roofs of the parking cars, maybe if it hadn't been for the ring…

"It was my fault, Alexis." he sobbed.

"No it wasn't, dad. You didn't sit in the car, you didn't push her…"

"She was playing with the ring when she crossed the street. She was distracted because I proposed to her. _I _am the reason she is lying there." he almost yelled in anguish.

His daughter glared at him. "Yes, you are." He was staggered. Didn't she just… "You are the reason she has made it this far. She buried herself in her work. She didn't live, she only worked. You managed to get through to her. Her mother's death left her deeply hurt, but with you, she healed over the years. She wasn't like how she was the past year when she was with Demming or that doctor guy. You made her life worth living again. Don't. You. Dare. Blame. Yourself." Her finger poked his chest with each word. Now she was a bit more than just upset.

"Her mother was dead and the murderer nowhere to be found and her father obviously wasn't a big help. She was lost. Until she met you. You annoyed the hell out of her, and you had some moments where she almost threw you out. But you stuck with her. You forced your way into her life, you dug into her mother's case; and it was different this time - because she had you. You two went through this together. She is a smart woman, and if she knows what is good for her, she'll stick with you, too."

He pulled her in for a death-grip hug and rested his chin on her head after he planted a short kiss on her forehead.

"Sometimes I forget what an amazing young woman you are." he whispered. A tiny smile appeared on her face.

"You're not so bad yourself, dad" she said. He managed to mirror her smile almost believably.

"Now there's one more thing I need you to do." He glanced at his watch before he continued. "Go home. Sleep for the night. Or, for what's left of it."

She opened her mouth in surprise and she blushed a bit. Her voice was a bit lower when she asked, "Is it because I was so harsh with you? You know you don't have to stay here alone, dad."

He shook his head firmly. "I won't be alone, I'll be with my fiancée. Besides, someone has to keep mother from panicking and breaking traffic laws to get here. I couldn't reach her, and God knows what she will do when she hears the message I left her."

It was an excuse, but Alexis seemed to understand anyway.

"You sure, dad?" she asked, her eyes pleading.

"Yes, I am; but you can come by, first thing in the morning. I just need some time alone with her."

"I'm glad for you that she said yes. Take care of her."

Would she have been stubborn the first time he tried to send her home, she now reluctantly said goodbye to him, and Kate, too.

The day had been grueling. First he had tried to sleep, but the nightmares kept waking him up. All he did in his dreams was relive that fateful moment, over and over again, but he needed sleep. After a few hours of seeing Kate getting crushed by a car, however, it probably would've been healthier to accept the sleep deprivation. He looked terrible and felt even worse.

Alexis showed up in the morning, as promised; she brought him breakfast and coffee, for which he was thankful. She offered to stay, but he sent her off; she had classes today. He had to muster all the charm he had left to convince a nurse to give him a change of clothes. He didn't care that he was wearing scrubs; at least they weren't open in the back.

Nurses showed up all day long to check on Kate's vitals. Some of them gave him disapproving looks, as they knew he had pulled some strings to be allowed to stay in here. Usually, they had strict policies. He ignored them silently. All that mattered to him was Kate.

He got several calls from the precinct for updates; even Captain Gates paid a short visit, sacrificing most of her lunch break, as she said, to check on one of her best detectives and, much to her chagrin, on the annoying bestselling author who was slowly growing on her; which she declared as something she would vehemently deny if he told anyone. She couldn't stay long, though, so Castle was soon alone again with Kate and his dark thoughts.

After a while, the reassuring sounds of the machines Kate was attached to started to drive Castle crazy. He began pacing around in circles, biting his nails.

Just when the time window the doctor had given him was about to start, he could see Kate's eyelids flutter. He forgot about the button he could've used to call a nurse but ran outside to yell into the corridor, "She's waking up!" before he spun around and rushed to her side to take her hand. She stirred and tried to roll around, but the neck collar kept her head in place. It took her a few seconds to give up the fight, but then she finally opened her eyes.

"Hey there!" he said, close to tears. He didn't know what to expect, after the doctor's horrifying prediction. But she had woken up sooner than expected; that had to be good, right?

She seemed dizzy. It wasn't much more than a creaky sigh when she tried to speak. Castle quickly reached for the cup with the straw that had been sitting untouched for hours on the tray table by Kate's bed and brought it to her lips, which made her longingly crane her head forward. After she emptied the cup, she finally managed to speak..

"Where am I?"

Her voice was still raw and low, but audible.

"You're in a hospital. You had an accident. You got hit by a car. You were in surgery for hours and it was close a few times, but the doctor said you'd return to full physical health, if you do the right physical therapy."

"Good. Because I feel like hell."

Castle smiled weakly. "At least you look better than you feel, then."

She frowned a bit. Maybe it was a bit too soon for compliments.

"Shouldn't you be more supportive than flirting?"

Castle chuckled flatly. "Well, I could, but I don't see the fun in that."

This light banter was the absolute opposite of how he felt right now. It was amazing what this woman could do to him.

"You're lucky you look like an older version of an author I like."

She flinched as she tried to sit up. Castle immediately pushed her back gently and watched her intently in concern.

"Easy there, Kate. You can't sit up just yet. Have you hurt yourself?", he asked.

"Well, aside from hurting everywhere anyway and a splitting headache? I've never been better."

"Is there anything I can do for you?"

"Yes, in fact. Could you please call my mother and tell her where I am and that I'm fine? She's probably worried sick."

**A/N: There you go :) Yes, I'm guilty of another one of ****_these _****stories... but I couldn't help it^^**

**I'm back from vacation, and I can handle what you throw at me; so hit me with you best shot :) leave a review, I'm open to suggestions and will willingly answer any (well, almost any) questions.**

****** Big thanks to my betas, whom I still haven't managed to scare away with all my typos, spellos and story / point of view issues :D I don't know what I would do without you :3 *group hug*  
**

**I'm in good hope to keep up this schedule, maybe a short break with exams rolling in, but I will let you know soon enough; I'm fully back on track by the end of the month, with the new semester starting off... and freakin' season 6 *.***


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: I don't own neither the show "Castle" nor its characters.**

**Chapter 4**

_"__Is there anything I can do for you?"_

_"__Yes, in fact. Could you please call my mother and tell her where I am and that I'm fine? She's probably worried sick."_

The writer's mind immediately began to play through all the possibilities.

None were good.

She wasn't joking, that much he could tell; she would never joke about her mother. The pain was too deep, even fourteen years after her mother's murder.

"I... I'll see what I can do." he stammered. _Where was the nurse?_ He pushed the button on her bed just as a nurse entered, probably in reaction to his yelling into the hallway.

He brushed by the nurse on his way out, giving her an apologetic smile, looking around as he exited Kate's room, searching for a doctor. Castle couldn't stay in the room right now, not knowing how he should handle it. His chest tightened when he thought of what he feared Kate's condition was.

He saw a doctor approaching his fiancée's room. Castle jogged towards him, thanking god that Josh was still in the Amazon, setting up clinics; he was relieved that he wouldn't have to deal with him right now. The doctor raised his head from his clipboard, startled by Castle's sudden appearance.

"Can I help you, sir?" he asked, putting up an open smile.

"Well, I hope so, but it's not me who needs your help. My fiancée is in there." he said, motioning to Kate's room.

"Of course, Mr...?"

"Castle", the writer helped. The doctor laid his hand on his shoulder.

"Mr. Castle, that's our job. We all do our best to help your fiancée, Miss Beckett, I assume?"

Castle nodded silently.

"I understand that you were there when she woke up?"

Castle nodded again and wondered why the doctor knew this, but the nurse who had heard Castle shouting had probably told him.

"Did she say something?"

"We talked a bit, she said she felt like hell... but then she asked me to call her mother!"

The doctor nodded in understanding.

"That's perfectly normal. Many people want their loved ones around when..."

Castle took a deep breath. Clearly the doctor was clueless. This wasn't something you'd normally find in a patient's log, he supposed. There was no need to yell at the doctor, yet.

"You don't understand!" When he saw the doctor squinting his eyes, he continued, controlling his voice. "I can't call her mother... because she was murdered fourteen years ago."

The doctor's jaw fell, but closed his mouth immediately. Castle felt sorry for this guy. This was a lot to take in, but to him, the doctor seemed to be a bright guy.

After only a few seconds, he knew he was right. The doctor visibly straightened up, his face now without any hint of surprise, or any other giveaway of his feelings, for that matter. Castle was quite familiar with this reaction. He had seen it often enough on Kate to know exactly what was happening. He was terrified what the doctor might have to hide, but he needed answers.

His voice broke when he confronted him with his fear.

"Doctor, could she have... suffered amnesia?"

The doctor was silent for a few seconds before he answered cautiously.

"Based on your observations, retrograde amnesia is a possibility; but so is temporary disorientation. Anyhow, it's too soon to jump to a diagnosis. I'll have to do a thorough examination and probably a few tests before I can tell you more. Is there anything else of what she said that stands out?"

Castle closed his eyes, thinking back to what Kate said. There _was_ something wrong. He sighed and opened his eyes again.

"She didn't seem to recognize me; not once did she use my name, and she said that I look like an older version of a writer she likes. At the time, I thought she was joking; but it makes perfect sense: She read my books before her mother died."

The doctor looked confused. "But if she didn't recognize you, why wasn't she suspicious?"

Castle pointed to his outfit. "I'm dressed in scrubs! What should she have thought when she woke up and I was the only one standing there? That I'm a doctor, or rather a psychopath who snuck into a stranger's hospital room? Besides, I explained to her what has happened and her medical condition, like the surgeon who operated on her."

The doctor nodded. "That makes sense. If you'll excuse me, I'm going in there now."

When he tried to walk past him, Castle grabbed the doctor's arm and stopped him, forcing the doctor to face blue eyes which were, despite the dark rings beneath them, piercing him, trying to break the wall for good.

"Let me go in with you. I need to know."

The thirty-something man was clearly uncomfortable under Castle's gaze and grip, but didn't break.

Yet.

"I can't. We have regulations against it. She's stable at the moment, but I can't take any chances; if she suffered amnesia, which is yet to be confirmed, there is a good chance of a mental breakdown. You'd be in our way if we have to react immediately."

Castle _really _needed to know, so he tried a different angle.

"I spent the night at my fiancee's side in this very room and I'm wearing scrubs. I'm pretty sure I already broke about a dozen of your regulations today alone." The man in front of him didn't seem convinced, but Castle didn't let loose. "Besides, I happen to be a donor of large sums for charity. You can probably find a way to make sure this hospital will continue to be on the receiving end."

The doctor hesitated briefly, but then he rolled his eyes, practically saying, _to hell with it_, and reluctantly signaled Castle to follow him.

Steps away from Kate's door the doctor suddenly turned around, facing Castle.

"Before we go in there, let me clear up some things first: You don't talk, you stay in the background, you are a fly on the wall, because it's my ass on the line when I let you go in there with me. Are we clear?"

Castle nodded enthusiastically; the dreadful day almost forgotten. The doctor, seemingly satisfied with the reaction, entered Kate's room, closely followed by Castle.

"Good morning, miss...?" began the doctor, sounding very calm and friendly.

He already knew her name, why would he… oh, he wanted to know if she remembered. This doctor was sneaky.

"Beckett. Kate Beckett. But you can call me Kate."

The doctor nodded slightly and made a note on his pad before continuing.

"Nice to meet you, Kate. I'm Doctor Greg. Well, Kate, do you know why you are here?"

She nodded slowly.

"That hot older guy in the scrubs told me." Castle could swear there was more than just amusement in her eyes when she smirked at him. "I was in an accident; a car hit me. I was in surgery."

Greg scribbled down another note; Castle however got something probably different than Greg from this. _Hot older guy? _They'd have to talk about this comment some day. He pushed this thought aside for now, as the doctor gave him a slightly amused glance before he continued.

"That's right. Well, your surgery went fine, but we will need to keep you here for a while to make sure there are no further complications."

"I understand, but how long will this take? The semester will begin soon, and I don't want to miss any classes."

Greg smiled.

"I'm sure you won't miss any classes."

Castle finally broke his silence.

"Don't lie to her like this. For god's sake, she's..."

Before he could continue, Greg had turned with an incredulous look on his face, already grabbing his arm and pressing it hard. To Kate, he smiled and said, "Will you excuse us for a moment?"

When she nodded in agreement, obviously confused, he pulled Castle out of the room, shoving him against the wall after he closed the door.

"What _the hell _were you thinking?" he almost shouted, lowering his voice just enough not to cause a scene in the hallway.

Castle fumbled for words, and it took him a moment too long to answer. He wasn't used to doctors manhandling family members of patients. Maybe because they weren't exactly allowed to.

"I..." the doctor cut him off already.

Greg, obviously furious, seemed to forget about all regulations and consequences.

"We _never, ever _discuss diagnoses in front of our patients. That's exactly why I didn't want you in there in the first place! She -"

"But you lied to her! She has a right to know!" Castle growled through his gritted teeth, cutting him off. He didn't want to do this now, with Kate in such a condition; but the doctor didn't care to tone down his manner, he probably was in trouble anyhow. Castle clenched his fists; it wouldn't take much now to make him snap.

Greg however, suddenly stood back to lower his arm, letting Castle leave the wall, and answered with a more controlled voice, pulling himself together again.

"First of all, I didn't lie; I just withheld information. She won't miss any classes, will she?"

_Same difference, _Castle thought, still fuming.

"Of course she has a right to know, but you cannot just go in there and tell her, 'Hey, you lost your memory of the past decade and a half, this is what you missed'. I know this is hard for you, but you could overload her brain, so to speak; And _this... _you don't want to happen."

Castle gulped and paled visibly. All anger was gone in a heartbeat.

"What _can _we do?"

The doctor thought about this for a moment before he finally spoke again.

"How long have you known her?"

"I've been in her life almost every day for the past five years, with the exception of only a few months, and know quite a bit about the rest."

Greg shook his head. "'Quite a bit' won't cut it. It's not often that we get such a serious case of amnesia here. Well, technically, we don't know this yet, but everything points to retrograde amnesia concerning the last fourteen years. The head trauma, the call to her mother she wanted, the classes she doesn't want to miss…"

Castle was still a bit skeptical. A proper diagnosis after a minute in there? Greg seemed to sense his doubts, so he continued.

"There are still some tests we need to do to confirm it, though. They will give us more information about the nature of her condition. We will probably have to go through all fourteen years from beginning to end; _but _we can still include you in the process. This way, I can keep you in the loop without breaking any restrictions." He raised his eyebrows.

Castle smirked at this comment. "Does that mean I'm back on your good side?"

Greg couldn't help but chuckle a bit.

"Don't push your luck, Mr. Castle."

**A/N: As you can see, the hospital scenes don't come easy for me - so YAY ME for starting an amnesia fan fiction :) :D**

**As always, I want to thank my betas :) I'd be helpless without you!**

**As already announced, I'm going into HIATUS now. The next two weeks, I'll be writing exams, plus at least one more to get to write again; so three weeks without chapter. Don't forget me ;)  
**

**Please leave reviews :)**


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: I don't own the show nor its characters.**

**No betas were harmed in the creation of this chapter. ;)**

**Chapter 5**

"We need to talk through the past fourteen years, to know what she doesn't remember anymore, before we can think about how to restore it. Wait here."

With these words, Greg went back into Kate's room, smiling as if nothing had happened, and closed the door.

She had sounded tired, Castle thought. The woman who had spoken in there from the bed wasn't the Kate he knew; if he was right, this was 19-year-old Kate. He was a bit surprised when a random thought passed his mind; Castle even liked her this way; innocent, without all the grief and pain.

Well, the pain caused by her mother's murder, at any rate. Kate had still been visibly in pain from the accident, despite the mild sedatives that were in the IV. He had overheard the nurses talking about the medication, which he had recognized because of research he had done for a Derrick Storm novel.

Castle couldn't hide his smile when he thought about doctor Greg. He still had vivid memories of 'nurse Greg' who Kate and he met on a case. Beckett and Castle... They had solved over a hundred cases together; saved lives, brought murderers to justice; they had even 'solved' her mother's murder; and they had gotten engaged the day before. He just hoped deeply that all these memories weren't long gone for her.

He would leave no stone unturned to help Kate. He could have afforded to hire a professional with the task, but if someone was to intrude into her private life, he wanted it to be the people she trusted and loved. _Had _trusted and loved. He shook his head in disbelief. He wished he could just think it away, like a child who thought it would be invisible if it would just close its eyes tightly enough.

Abandoning this train of thought, he brought his attention back to the doctor who just came out of Kate's room. Castle raised his brows questioningly, to which the doctor replied with a sigh.

"I prescribed her some stronger pain meds, to make her sleep as much as possible. We can't do anything about her possible amnesia yet, so it's for the best to treat the concussion for now." He smiled wearily. "I hope you're prepared for some back-to-back shifts."

Greg had offered a room in the hospital where they could work, which Castle accepted thankfully. He wanted to be near her, no matter what they did. The doctor however still had other patients, so he left Castle alone in their 'office', as Greg had named the room jokingly. This wouldn't be a walk in the park. They would have to basically establish a timeline, just like they did with murders… but this time for the last fourteen years.

Castle didn't plan on taking this challenge alone with Greg; some details of the last five years couldn't see the light of day, despite patient/doctor confidentiality. He would need help for that, from people he could trust: Lanie and the boys; they were the only ones who knew _everything _about her professional life in law enforcement. Royce and Montgomery were dead, and he couldn't trust the rest. He would ask her dad, of course. He even wondered if Maddie could take some days off her restaurant. Castle really pulled out the big guns.

The room was in an old part of the hospital and was currently unused. He didn't know why until he entered the room. It resembled a janitor's chamber more than anything else. He wondered how they had gotten the patient's beds in and out, because the door frame seemed to be one or two inches too short for that.

_A timeline for her past fourteen years should fit in here?, _he thought.

There was enough room for a desk and a few chairs, but not much more. His office in the loft was bigger. He mused about how a painting on the wall would make it seem less small, but he stopped soon; Castle knew he was just procrastinating. He had to make some uncomfortable calls.

He didn't know who to call first, but his phone made the decision for him; it rang.

"Castle?"

"Rick? Thank god I finally reached you! I got your message. I'm on my way back into town, I didn't have any reception at my cabin, so I just listened to it a few minutes ago. What happened to my daughter, exactly? How bad is it? Will she recover soon?"

Jim didn't sound good. His voice was shaky, and he didn't seem to breathe at all. Castle tried to calm him down.

"Breathe, Jim. Kate was in an accident. She was hit by a car. I was with her at the time. She was brought to the hospital immediately, where she was in surgery, but she's in a private room already. Surgery went very well. Physically, she will be fine, with the right physical therapy."

He tried to deliver him the bad news piece by piece. It was bad enough that Kate had been in an accident. There was no need for Jim to suffer a heart attack; but Jim was a lawyer. He practically sensed that Castle withheld information. This 'sixth sense' was certainly very handy in courtrooms, but Castle cursed it now.

"There is more to it, isn't it? Spit it out, Rick!" Jim dug deeper, sounding as hollow as never before.

Castle sighed. There went his plan to be gentle.

**A/N: Here it goes… Short chapter, I know, but I wanted to update and blockage is a b****. Still haven't written this phone call. So, anyhow, I'm afraid I'll have to refrain from updating every week and change it to a not-so-consistent update schedule. I have my original project and some ideas I try to write while I don't get anything on those two done. Which happens awfully often. Besides, university just started again, so my spare time is basically non-existent. **

**And don't worry, it will not stay angsty for too long (I hope). I just want to get the characters right, so it takes me a good while. I'm already getting chastised for not writing the characters how they are on the show, I'm scared what the punishment will be for "butchering" the character of 19 year old Beckett. :D Any intel is welcome^^ Please review and save me!**


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: I own nothing of 'Castle'.**

**A/N #1: I guess that's just my luck that there were amnesia stories before mine. I have something special planned for this, so enough with that talk already. BTW: please login to review so I might answer with a PM if deemed necessary.**

**A/N #2: I promise this story isn't abandoned. University and writer's block just take their toll. I actually should've waited with posting this chapter a little bit more, but I felt like a pregnant woman whose child is overdue. Well, not that I actually know how that feels like. But you get my drift. I hope.**

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**Chapter 6**

"_There is more to it, isn't there? Spit it out, Rick!" Jim dug deeper, sounding as hollow as never before._

_Castle sighed. There went his plan to be gentle._

"Kate seems to have suffered retrograde amnesia. She can't remember anything about the past fourteen years; as far as I know, everything since just before her mother's murder is gone for now."

He could hear Jim inhaling a sharp breath over the phone. Both fell silent for a moment, until his almost father-in-law spoke again, with trembling voice.

"So what can we do? There has to be _something_."

"We don't know. We have to establish a timeline for her missing memory, but we haven't found a solution yet on how to break it to her gently. We have to be subtle, or else we risk to overload her brain." Castle responded, repeating the words the doctor told him.

"'We'? Who is 'we', exactly?"

Castle sighed. "With 'we', I mean Doctor Greg and me, for now. This way, he can keep her fiancé in the loop.."

"Fiancé?" Castle could practically hear the raised eyebrows.

"Yes. I asked her at the park where 'our' swings are, right before the accident."

"Then I think congratulations are in order, Rick. Despite the circumstances."

It wasn't much, but the warm tone of his voice told Castle everything he needed to know. Despite the fact that his fiancée didn't remember the last fourteen years, his future father-in-law managed to lighten his mood a bit, even if only for a short time.

"Thank you, Jim, but until we get her memory back, I can't even think about planning a wedding."

"Oh, of course. Can I help? You know you can ask for anything, Rick." Jim pleaded.

Castle closed his eyes and let out a breath he didn't know he had been holding. He nodded, only answering when he realized Jim couldn't see him. "Actually, I was gonna call to ask you just that. I have been in her life for about six years now, but to be honest, I have little to no idea what her life was like before we met. This is a whole lot of work and Kate can use all the help she can get." He paused for a second before continuing. "But there will be some details you probably won't want to hear about. If it is too much for you at any time, I would fully understand if you would leave… We will need to talk about Johanna. A lot. I wouldn't want to reopen scars."

Jim stopped him and answered with a croaky voice. "It's alright, Rick. I can handle it. I wouldn't back out on her for the world. I made this mistake once. It led me to the bottle and nearly cost me my daughter. I won't make the same mistake again."

This effectively silenced Castle and left him standing with his mouth wide agape. Suddenly he wasn't so unhappy that Jim couldn't see him through the phone. He mentally slapped himself for being so stupid.

"Oh… Ehm… Well, I guess I'll see you when you get to the city. Drive safely, we won't start without you."

"I will. I'll come by as soon as I can."

With these words, Jim hung up and Castle was alone with his thoughts again.

The calls to Lanie and Rysposito were less awkward. They agreed to help just as fast, but he didn't put his foot in his mouth these times. They were crucial for the time between Johanna Beckett's murder and the murder of Alison Tisdale. Now there was only one call left to make.

Maddie.

He hesitantly tapped her name in his phone and selected her number from his address book.

"_HI! _This is Madison Queller! What can I do for you?" her voice chirped through the receiver.

Castle took a deep breath and closed his eyes. He didn't really look forward to dealing with this over-enthusiastic friend of Kate's. Then all the years of signing books kicked in.

"_Hi _Maddie!" Castle responded in a similar manner. "It's Rick Castle."

"Ricky! I haven't heard from you in a while. Why do you call? If Kate is pregnant, I want to be the godmother."

"Wait, what? No!" Castle answered, taken aback.

"Don't worry, we still have time until I lose the bet."

"You've bet on when Kate will get pregnant?" Castle almost forgot why he called in the first place, completely dumbfounded.

"Well, yeah, but never mind. Since you didn't know that and Kate is obviously not pregnant, why did you call?"

What she said was like a left hook, right hook combination, leaving Castle stunned. This was not how he expected this phone call to go.

"Err, well… I need your help with Kate, Madison."

"Whatever you need. Everything for my Kate."

Castle smirked.

"Actually, she's mine now." The following shriek of joy forced him to hold the phone at arm's length. Obviously she got the hint immediately.

"Wow! I totally have predicted that. Oh, maybe I have the gift of clairvoyance.", she gushed.

Castle now regretted calling her somehow.

"Yeah, maybe. But I need a favor: You've known Kate for quite some time, right?"

"Let's just say, I can remember her wild phases. What do you wanna know?"

Castle gulped. _Phases? As in there was more than one? _"Well, it's not me who needs to know; she does."

"Why would Kate wanna know something she did on her own?"

"She… can't remember the last fourteen years, actually."

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**A/N #3: Well, that was it. Yet another cliffhanger. Not that I actually plan to do that. R&R please?**


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